Today’s writing will be in the style of a shock jock local radio Deejay.
So, on this morning after I wiped the snot out of my eyes, I got up, Morning wood everybody, and started getting ready for work. Steve-O over there on the controls, that dude gets up early, rules of his Mom’s house, in fact he probably gets up three hours before work to brush his teeth twice, run a mile because he’s training for a triathlon in Phoenix next month, floss, clip his nails ( He refuses to get manicures, which is surprising because he looks like he was born and raised in a nail salon…the guy is so uptight I’m betting he had his sphincter surgically removed and he just uses a colostomy bag ). Me, I’m up an hour before work, which is good for me. I’m an animal, I don’t need to shave and brush my teeth daily. My teeth are strong pillars of tartar and smoke.
Anyways, I stagger, flip, somersault myself into the kitchen, I don’t know how I got there because I’m not even awake until I start driving to work and that search for coffee has begun. Steve-O drinks no caffeine I believe, him and Karen the Wednesday Workout Ninja are juicing buddies I believe. I had to make lunch today, I have a ton of leftover bbq chicken from Monday’s Dollars for Diabetes event, the Double D thing we have every year. I get all the stuff, Mayonnaise, Chicken, Bread, Red Sirracha Sauce, some garlic and I start making my sandwiches. I had one the other day, it was like Thanksgiving leftovers. It was like the American Flag was shitting hamburgers, watermelon and baseball in my mouth, that good. That’s good.
So I’m putting the condiments away in the fridge. As I close the door, I don’t notice my kitten has poked her little furry head in between the open door and the interior of the fridge. I have already begun the closing of the door, it is swinging closed, y’know I like to give the door a measured push and let the momentum close it. I’m very precise, it’s a good sturdy push but not strong enough to knock the ketchup and marinated artichoke hearts off the side racks. Anyways I’ve pushed the door, and the kitties head was right against the door, so what ensues is a good second of the door pushing the kitten along by the head, because she has tensed or something so she is allowing the door to move her entire body, she really wants to see inside the fridge. She is in the family, she knows where the food comes from, and the kitten eats French fries and tomato sauce, and caffeine, unlike Steve-O. It was like watching a glass fall off the counter from that point. I knew the end result would be the door closing I just wasn’t expecting the cat to never move, have some sense of self-preservation! But, alas the door closed quite nicely on the kitten’s head. Smoosh, the kitten’s head got sandwiched between the door and the fridge pretty gently, so I cracked up. I didn’t really see the whole thing until that moment when the door almost closed, bounced off the kitten’s head and started swinging open again.
I’m not for cruelty for animals, Shit, our station K101.4 the Fox, we have two fundraisers a year for the Humane Society, I own two dogs and three cats. But I could watch dumb animals all day long. Holy crap, it made my morning, in fact I skipped my morning crap, nah I took care of business, like Mussolini’s trains I tell ya I’m regular. I gotta say, I really enjoyed closing the refrigerator door on my kitten’s head…just thought I’d pass that along before we go to Reanna with the traffic.
Warlock, the Techno-Alien 